June 2009Click here to read issue contents

      by Breyanna Knoll

     For girls, dressing up on a special occasion also means a touch of makeup: a brush of blush before a dance recital, a lip gloss for a cheerleading competition or a stroke of clear mascara before a special party.

     Each of these offers a bit of confidence and a glimpse into the grownup world. As little girls grow up and express themselves through their appearances, parents trying to understand the balance of independence and age-appropriate behaviors might not be so dazzled.

     "I like to tell parents, try and look at some things from your child's perspective," says Pam Dyson, a children's counselor in West St. Louis. "Do you remember what it was like when you were a teenager? Were your parents an issue? Chances are they were."

     Many face an age-old battle: The children struggle to become adults while the parents try to delay it. Every day, parents admonish their 5-year-olds not to become involved in the conversations of adults, do battle with their 10-year-old daughters about age-appropriate clothing and lecture their children about why they are not allowed to date until they are 16.

     Dyson says part of the natural development of teenagers is distinguishing themselves from their parents but achieving a sense of belonging with their peers. Parents should not take this personally, but they should look at the overall picture.

     "Don't just look at their appearance; look at their grades, friends, what are they involved in," she says. "If they're functioning well in school, they pick good friends, maybe the clothing thing the parents could back off of a little."

     Key in discussing makeup and clothing choices with your teenager is compromise, she says. Put certain pieces of clothing off limits if they attract inappropriate attention for her age, but offer her more independence by allowing her to make other choices about her appearance.

     "You know, I don't approve of too much cleavage, but if you want to dye your hair purple, I'm OK with that," Dyson says.

     Though parents should recognize the importance of independence in adolescence, teenagers are considered incapable of making many rational decisions. The National Mental Health Institute's research says younger teenagers frequently activate the brain center that mediates fear, emotions, hormones and arousal. They use this far more than their frontal lobes, the part that rationalizes decisions. These thought processes might lead to impulsively purchasing a provocative miniskirt or using a heavy hand with the blush brush.

     Parents can reason with the teenager by bringing up the topics of self-respect and the appreciation of natural beauty.

     The most effective parenting styles lie somewhere between the authoritarian and the pushover says Barbara Edelman, a counselor with Provident counseling services.

     "I see parents that are too strict, and the child ends up rebelling behind their back," she says. "The parents are too permissive, and the child ends up getting in over their head. They feel uncomfortable setting these limits. I think it really needs to be sort of the middle ground. You have to say Ôno' sometimes."

     Allow children to participate in setting the boundaries, says Peggy Hinders, a family counselor in Chesterfield.

     "For example, when it comes to clothing, make it a rule of thumb that we both have to like it or it doesn't get purchased," she says. Once the rules have been outlined and everyone understands the consequences, expect the teenager to follow them. Also, expect to follow through and enforce the rules.

     "Parents often fall into the trap of bargaining with their child, sometimes to make their own lives easier or because they want to be Ôfriends' with their child, and sometimes because they feel guilt or shame about issues from the past such as getting a divorce, moving the family or working too many hours," Hinders says.

     "Bargaining is often a sign that parents are losing authority," she adds. "Following through communicates that you mean what you say."

Article appears as published in the St. Louis Woman Magazine June 2009 issue.